How long is “months?” Longer than weeks, but less than a year. Your guess is as good as mine. But who really knows? God? Your hair stands up on your arms and your back. Your eyes swell like bottomless wells. Your face hurts. Your heart hurts because you cannot help but think of all that will change and be lost.
I wish I could change so many things about the future. The loss of control I thought I had of life. It is so hard to say good-bye but there is still more to do.
But I get love from so many people everyday. It is wonderful to feel other peoples thoughtfulness and empathy.
People often compliment on how great of a job I did raising my kids. It is one of the best compliments. It makes me feel so good. I am proud of them. We have five kids ages 22, 20, 19, 17 and 15.
I guess I don’t know how we did it. Sadly, they do no come with manuals, but they are unique they do not come with manuals. They are all different and what works for one doesn’t work for the others.
I am so thankful for their good health and their motivation to do amazing things in planning their lives and helping me plan the end of mine. Preparing to say good-bye to them is the hardest thing in my life. I hope they will find the strength and peace. Have you thought about how you would do it? What would you do?
I have been blessed with the time to do it. Many people are not. I cry for them. I weep for grandchildren and grandparents who will never meet – especially mine. I pray for the spouses who will completely start over with the love of their lives. I can’t imagine if and, therefore, I do not feel like I can help them.
This pain is real. It is worse than any cancer pain that I have had to endure. It is lonely to be out here dying alone. Thank God for family and friends. I don’t know how I would have done it. It’s quite lonely on the path knowing you cannot take others with you. But, they have big amazing things to do and children to watch grow.
I am proud to say that Ben and I did so much traveling with them – very close to hitting all 50 states. Nature and history and beauty is priceless. I hope they will be able to keep traveling with their families. Do what you can. Life can slip by very quickly.
To all my friends and family, please take this advice and make plans to help yourself but mainly help your family know what you want. Any one of us could die tomorrow.